Farm Living is the Life for Me

Friday, August 26th, 2011

2011-08-26T11:13:00.002-06:00

Oh today, I wish I could start my blog off on a happy note, but we don't always have happy days, do we? My heart is heavy today. I won't go into details but it's heavy in my chest. Isn't that weird how you actually have physical feeling in your heart. I feel it in my chest and it feels like it weighs heavy. I'm also drowning in debt. Short of a miracle from God, I may have to work 3 jobs to climb out of this whole. Of course it's my own doing whether it be my choices to spend foolishly or having to do with someone in my past. If there are any spiritual people reading this, please include me in your prayers.
On a happy note, today is friday. Which means tomorrow I may not wake up until 6am rather than 4am as I have been doing lately. I don't have any plans aside from continuing to work on our farmhouse. I'm getting frustrated with my handiman friend who has taken 3 weeks to finish my bathroom and it's still not finished. I also found out yesterday that we need completely new pipes under the bathroom sink. I called my landlord today who answered his phone by saying "what now". I said "stop it, I just called to tell you how much we love the house and how much work we have gotten done and to thank him for calling and commenting on the yard the other day,
Keep in mind that I have known him for 9 - 10 years and he said "no, really what do you want? He was joking but I, seriously, asked him to have our bathroom fixed before next weekend as we are having out of town guests that are like family to us and I don't want them to have to brush their teeth at the kitchen sink.
I go to the ear/nose/throat doc today to find out why my voice has still not completely recovered although I have had the scratchy voice for a month.
Mitch (youngest son) is scheduled to come stateside for two months for Ranger School. He will be at Fort Benning, GA. I will be so happy to talk to him more often than I get to now. It went from talking to him daily for 25 years to maybe twice a week and then we were lucky if we had a good connection on Skype. It's hard to let go sometimes as a mother. But let go, I have. He has his family and rightfully so doesn't need to be a momma's boy. I swear both of my boys have gone from home for years now and I still have moments of empty nest syndrome. I, sometimes, wish that they were little and still needed Momma. Thankful, my daughter that wasn't raised by me is firmly planted into my life and I hear from her daily, sometimes twice daily. It's a great priviledge and I appreciate it. I always thought that when you came back in touch with a child you had given up for adoption that the love would be different than had you raised that child. But no, it's no different than the day she was born and I, painfully, put her in her adoptive parents car. It's a mother's love and no different than the love I have for the boys. I feel blessed that I have her and that I can feel her love for me. Her son, Drake, is loved the very same as the other grandbabies and I love that his Daddy is teaching him to call me Grandma JoJo. Kids seem to gravitate to me so I have a handful of them that call me either Gramma JoJo or Aunt JoJo. I've always said that kids, dogs, and the population I work with (developmental delayed) love me but I can't seem to find a man that isn't a douche who will love me. I believe the other's love me because they see the purity of my heart while men don't tend to notice those type of things, I guess. Hell I don't know. I've been married four times yet have never been on a real date. I'm 52 and have never really been "courted". Nor have I allowed time for them to become my friend so when the excitement, lust, and fireworks wore off, it was me that always wanted out. So my marriage cut off date has always been about the three year mark.
It's hotter than Haiti today. Of course, I really don't know how hot Haiti is but that's what people say. I'm glad that I'm in an air conditioned building because if I wasn't and there was no pool close by, Because if there wasn't I would be complaining like a spoiled kid getting nothing in a toy store.
Well my blogland friends, I will close here as I'm not very positive today. But God gives us the valleys so that we can appreciate the mountains, right? Sometimes rainy (figuratively speaking) days are part if the plan to bring us closer to Him.
Hugs from the farm in Hansen, Idaho.

Tuesday, August 23rd, 2011

2011-08-23T20:35:00.003-06:00

Holy Hannah and Mother of Jessica (Doherty sisters - cute as hell) Does anyone else realize that we are only 4 months and 2 days away from Christmas. This has been a /rocky/relieving/busy year for me as I'm sure it has for everyone else. I'm going to attempt to add the other pictures from yesterday and Sunday on here tonight but, again, it's been quite a long time since I've done this. Today was a pretty uneventful day, although I purchased the siphon pump plug that I lost yesterday and successfully have the sprinklers going on the front yard. I was going to tell you about ole' blue. Right now he is piled high and stuff to the gills with moving crap. Boxes, paint cans, tarps, trash, etc. The only problem is that ole' blue needs a new fuel pump. One of my friends told me he would teach me how to do it but now he won't respond to texts or a phone call. So I guess I will look it up on the internet. Anyway the story about ole' blue. My Dad bought him when he and Mom were in El Paso (I believe, Jackie correct me if I'm wrong) Anyway, ole' blue was stolen from their house and recovered in Juarez, Mexico with little to no damage. Ever since Ole' Blue has become a family heirloom. Both of my boys want ole' blue but I bought him a couple of years ago when Dad was going to sell him because he really didn't use him anymore. He has bought a new truck that remains nameless. It could never replace ole' blue. Ole' Blue got Larisa and I moved out to the farm before he got sick and couldn't go anymore. So he still sits with all the moving crap on his back. One day I am going to bring ole' blue back to his glory days and hook a trailer up to him and travel the U.S. seeing my grandbabies and great grandbabies. Any hooters, friends, I'm going to bed now so I'll try posting all the pictures. Hugs from the farm in Hansen, Idaho.

Wish I could change my blog name

2011-08-22T20:17:00.005-06:00

Wish I could change my blog name from "Happy To Be" to "Farm Living Is The Life For Me". I know this has my Sis laughing because when I was a teenager I hated living on the farm, but let me tell you that I am loving this place more and more. Sunday morning started out as a lazy day as you can see from the pictures of the dogs. I will posting some pictures but I have yet to figure out how to put the in the order that I want. Okie dokie and any hooters, Sunday started out as a very lazy day. Then I decided that I was going to mow this acre of land that we are calling home these days. The danged lawn mower wouldn't start and I couldn't get the spark plug out (as with some of my mowing experience I knewcan be a reason why the mower wouldn't start. Well I didn't have the right tool to get it out so I had to drive 2 miles into town(Hansen) to my Dad's house to get the right tool. Now I'm back home and have the spark plug out and tell that it's burned out(remember I have experience with lawn mowers), so I had to call my cousin/staff/housemate, Larisa, and tell her what kind of spark plug to get,(she had to work). When she got home I put the new spark plug in and I wish I could say that I was off mowing but it took Larisa and I some time to figure out the whole chock thingy bobber. Well finally I was off mowing the lawn that was slightly overgrown. Larisa got the mighty weed eater out and started trimming out the house, dog pen, and trees. She decided that she was going to start clipping some branches and what not and she broke the clippers. Oh well, we're going to Harbor Freight on payday to get some necessary tools needed when living on a farm. I mowed the lawn without the bag so all of the grass clippings were shooting back onto my legs which literally took me a half hour to get off my legs when showering. I had to use a footbrush to get the green off. Anyway, we worked in the yard for about 4 hours. We were done(workwise and physically) so into the house we went. I was going to cook pork steaks on our new (new to us) JennAire grill top/stovetop. Well the house got really smoking so we had to open doors and walk around the house twirling dish towels to get the smoke out. We ended up finishing the pork steaks in a frying pan. Dad told me today that the JennAire exhaust fan has to vented to the outside. Hmmmmm, wish we would have know that, but as it turned out our dinner was really good. After we got the kitchen cleaned up it was almost 8:30 (we're usually in each of our bedrooms preparing for bed at 9pm) We watched a little tv and then said goodnight and I went upstairs with my dogs to my bedroom and Larisa went with her dog to her room on the main floor. This morning I was up and getting ready for work before the sun decided to start shining. I felt great. Last night I wasn't so certain I would because I was even to tired to eat my whole meal. But up and at em was I. I was at work before 7am. I had a good day at work, got lots done and was able to leave at 3pm. Leaving at 3pm rather than 4pm seems so much better. I don't know why but it just feels like I haven't worked 8 hours even though I really have. Stopped at Walmart for a few things on my way out of Twin Falls then was on my way out of the city (it is a city compared to Hansen who has 970 residents, well 968 since Larisa and I have moved out to the farm. I decided that I was going to re-mow the lawn to pick out all the grass clippings. Did it...lawn looks great! Our landlord even called to tell me how great it looked. Well I decided that I was going to make him really proud of me (I've known him for about 8 years. I've baled hay for him, sprayed weeds while driving a tractor, mowed ditches while on a tractor and even had to help birth a calf. Not only is he a rancher/farmer but he owns a dairy as well). Well I was going to make him proud by starting the pump which is the orange thing with a hole on top (there's supposed to be a plug there, but I had the pump plugged in and was priming it which is what you have to do to get water to go to the handlines (the tubes in our front yard). So I was priming it with the pump turned on and water shot out of that hole to the high heavens, plug with it and into the water ditch. Now I can't water because there is no plug so I drove down to the "yard" (that's what the outbuildings on the ranch are called to see if I could find another plug to put in the pump. After three trips, I called the landlord and of course he is going to fix it. Larisa made supper which was polish sausage and baked small red potatoes with rosemary, salt, and pepper on it. It was fabulous. I cleaned up the kitchen and it's 9:04, then it will off to bed to start another new day of living on the farm. I don't know what order these pictures I'm posting will be in but you will see that our farmhouse, itself, needs a facelift so I'm thinking by next summer I will be able to get the landlord to put vinyl siding on it. (I'm hoping anyway) Like I said he called all ready to say that the lawn looks great and he's been inside the house and really likes what we have done. It's marvelous. Something that had me soooo stressed is turning out to be one of the best moves I've ever made. Oh and just an update on the trip to the doctor on friday and chest xray's that were taken to make sure the could rule out certain things that could have to do with my loss/scratchy voice. Well my doctor didn't call me today but the nurse of the doctor that I saw on friday night called and said they have scheduled an appointment with a ear/nose/throat doctor to see if anything could be affecting my vocal cords. I take that as meaning that the chest xray's showed nothing to be concerned with so we're trying a different avenue for a solution. That makes me happy, but seriously, these days (just these last couple of days) makes me happy. Sometimes I just stress over things too much. Hope you all had a great day and night. Hugs from the farm a mile out of Hansen, Idaho. P.S. I forgot to tell you about 'ole blue' the pick up. I will tell you about him tomorrow as he has an interesting story and is a considered to be a family heirloom. Talk to you tomorrow. P.P.S I will post more pictures tomorrow that had to do with sunday and today but it's my bedtime.

August 2011

2011-08-20T06:39:00.004-06:00

Wow, it's been a long time since I've been on this site. My last post reports that 2011 is going to be a good year and a year of change. Well for the most part, yes it has. Mitch, my youngest son finally got his wife and daughter out to Italy where he is stationed, he will be coming stateside though for a couple of months to go to Army Ranger school. Josh, my oldest son passed a test that I think allows him to drive a fire engine. Jennifer, my middle child that I had given up for adoption 28 years ago is firmly in my life. I've been out to Washington state to see her, my son-in-law, and grandson twice this year. We talk on the phone daily and most often twice a day. I moved from my one bedroom cottage in the small town of Hansen, Idaho to a four bedroom farmhouse a mile out of Hansen. The reason for the move is due to a series of events. My cousin was living with a group of people in another town who found out that the house they were renting was being foreclosed on. I, "temporarily" moved her into the backroom/laundry room until her brother got done with his lease on his apartment and then they were going to live together. Wellll.....he got a girlfriend, she and I found that we were compatible housemates, we came across a great deal for a four bedroom farm house, have worked for over a month to get it livable and here we are. My cousin, myself, and our four dogs(1 is hers, 3 are mine) now live in the country in a house that we just keep liking more and more. There is still some work to be done. We currently have a friend of mine working on the bathroom (which was disgusting) and we have two spare bedroom to create for family, friends, and their kids when they come to visit. We have a ton of yard work to do as it's pretty overgrown but we are taking things one thing at a time especially because my anxiety level was so high one day that I couldn't stop crying for the entire day. I was sure that I had made a hugh mistake but now I know that I haven't. The first floor of the house consists of living room, kitchen, laundry room, cousins bedroom, bathroom and kids/exercise room, oh and the bathroom. The second story is my extremely spacious bedroom and the adult guest room. We have a basement and while we are using it for storage it freaks both of us out to be down there. Let's see what else. Oh yeah, I have been in contact with my daughter's biological father and thought that perhaps there might be a rekindling of a love affair from 28 years ago. Nope, he's a jackass or as Mitch would say "he's a douche" and Mitch has threatened to kill any man that is a douche that I attempt to date. Sooooo, I still am not dating because just about the only men I know that aren't douche's are my boys, my brother, my father, my son-in-law and a few friend's husbands. Oh well, I am only 52 and 52 is the new 32, I'm told, so I have time to find the one man who will want to hold my hand when I'm 80 and hold conversations with me that are about nothing really other than the fact that we just like each other enough to talk about nothing. I'm still at the same job, three years into the new department that I created, and it's still going. I've made some new friends that have become "family" who come out for dinner every weekend. Jess is 31 and from Utah with no family here, and Stephanie is 20 who has family here but has never had "traditions" so we are helping to create those for her and her 3 year old son, who is a delight. I have become Jess's aunt because she is just a kind hearted, caring, do anything for you kind of person. My oldest son, Josh, and I have had a rough couple of years. We have gone up until about 3 weeks ago without speaking. He called because he needed a favor, which I was able and willing to provide and the other day he called inquiring about holiday plans. That gives me hope that our relationship can be repaired. My sister, who lives in Iowa, was out here for Christmas and we found a friendship that we have never had and she has become one of my most endearing friends. I broke a bone for the first time in my life in my right hand while trying to be a good samaritan and have gone through 4 casts because I refuse to keep them on. I know, how dumb does that make a 52 year old woman? Some would say really dumb, but I would say that the pain of the break is less of a hindrance than the damn cast. I have a high tolerance to pain although I know with certain movements it's still broke but I have full use of it. So call me dumb, I really don't care. I have been to Seattle twice this year for the first time ever. I went to the open air market (can't remember what it's called) and have seen the Puget Sound (I hope that's correct). So you can see that as I predicted in my last post at the beginning of this year that it has been a year of change and for the most part, very good change although yesterday was an extremely strange day. I got up, felt great, went to work, and by 10am could no longer stay awake. I was falling asleep while on the phone or eating, I just could not stay awake. Nothing different occurred the previous night that is different than any other weekday night. In addition, my voice has been hoarse for a month. So last night I was coerced into going to the doc by my daughter who threatened to not talk to be (she was one that I fell asleep while talking on the phone to her twice). I went to "A" doc, not mine because it was already to late in the day to get in to him. I was given a chest xray due to the length of the hoarse voice and told that my doc would call to set up a couple different tests for my inability to stay awake. The chest xray's did not thrill me because 9 years ago we lost my mother to small cell carcinoma lung cancer Mom's voice would go hoarse for no apparent reason from time to time and that's how she discovered she had lung cancer. I'm a smoker who has attempted to quit sooooo many times but just haven't gotten it done. The doc that I saw last night said that someone will probably call me today or my doc will call me on Monday to give the results of the chest xrays. I choose not to be anxious about it because I know that God has my back either way. So, let me just say again, that 2011 has been a pretty decent year in comparison to other years. I'm happy, I'm hoping that I'm healthy, I've got 4 beautiful grandbabies with another on the way. I have no complaints and I think this will be the first of many blogs that I will post throughout the rest of the year. I don't know how many, if any, of my friends still come back to this website but I'm back even if noone cares. Happy Saturday, August 20th, 2011.

2011

2011-02-01T19:58:00.002-07:00

This year is going to be a fabulous year, I can feel it. My youngest son is out of Afghanistan, he is stationed in Vicenza,Italy. He just got his orders so his wife and 14 month old daughter can come live with him. I have been in telephone contact with my daughter who I had given up for adoption 28 years ago today. She has beautiful 7 month old son. I look forward to the day that I can see them and hug them in person. My oldest son is not speaking to me but I view this as being his problem as he has for 13 years he has chosen his in-laws over his brother & his mother. That has hurt us for years...feeling his neglect. I finally found the courage to call him on it without feeling guilty. So I view it a it being his deal and not mine. I am here loving him the same as always but I'm not going to be made to feel like a second class citizen by him or anybody. I have felt that way for too many years, which I self inflicted. That part of my life is over. I see the good in myself. I am worthy of love and happiness and I don't "deserve" to be treated like crap. I have faith in God like I have never had before. I look forward to the future of this year. I sense that it is going to be full of change, filled with happiness, and lots of love. So a belated Happy New Year to all in blog land.

I'm coming back

2010-10-19T21:17:00.001-06:00

Saturday morning, I will dismantle my FB account. I will only be here for a while. I hope my friends will continue to communicate with me here.

27 years ago today.

2010-02-01T20:46:00.004-07:00

It's been forever since I have been on here, writing or reading what others have written. Facebook and work has taken all of my attention. But here I am...compelled to write to whoever wants to read.

27 years ago, I made a decision that would affect all the years to come. Twenty seven years ago my daughter was born. I was 23 years old and single, not certain that I could raise my almost 5 year old and a new baby so I opted for adoption. Adoption to a nice family that I was aware of, I didn't know them per se, but had met them enough times to know that they would be a good choice for my daughter, which they were. They raised her with love and consideration. I have been in touch with her since May 28, 2009. How do I remember that date??? How do I not??? Twenty seven years ago today, I gave away my daughter, my self esteem, my self worth, my pride. Oh I know what I did was selfless, caring, and honorable, I know this in my mind but in my heart it has haunted me for twenty seven years. I gave away my daughter. My chance at that special bond that mothers and daughters have. My opportunity to be the one she runs to first, the one who accompanies her when she picks out wedding dresses, who gives her advice, who develops that special bond with her children. I have two sons, one older, one younger. The oldest is not happy with me, but I love him still. The youngest one loves me and as much as I love him, it's not the same. He doesn't call me when he's making his first Thanksgiving dinner and asks how to cook a turkey or when his baby is crying all night and he doesn't know what to do. That privilege is reserved for the mother of the daughter. I gave away that privilege. I didn't know then that I was strong enough to keep my daughter. I could have done it, I should have done it, if I would have done it, I would have what my daughters in law's mother's have now. I would have been first to call for a recipe, to ask for advice, or watch the grandkids. But alas, I am not and sometimes it hurts me. What hurts me most is that I gave away my daughter that could have been my best friend. I know that we shouldn't live with regrets but unless you have made a decision that affected your life to this magnitude, you will never understand the regret and the inability to make it go away. It doesn't go away, it might not seem as heavy after years, but it doesn't go away. I have to live with that and maybe, just maybe, one day I will find my self worth again. I know that I will never be her "Mom" because I gave away that privilege but if one day she called me first, I would experience the joy that a mother of a daughter experiences. She is twenty seven today. I love her the same as I do my sons. I miss her the same as I did the day I gave her away. Happy Birthday, Jennifer. I love you.

You can't please everyone....

2009-08-17T22:27:00.002-06:00

Heaven knows, I've tried. I have been the type of person that couldn't stand it if someone had an inkling of a negative thought about me. I would still rather have everyone think I'm the shiznit, however, it's exhausting to try and be something you're not. I've learned that once you're up on that pedestal of never wanting to disappoint someone that when you do, suddenly you're not the shiznit and nothing you can do will change it. You can try and rectify whatever it was that got you into trouble but it seems like the harder you work to please the more of a mess you make yourself. Learning to say no is one of the hardest things to do for some of us. I've always been envious of people that can just say no and never care about what kind of effect it has on others. I think that learning this technique is one of the good things about getting older. It's not really that you don't care for others, it's about knowing your strengths and weaknesses. It's most importantly caring about the effects on yourself. Is it selfish to be this way? Maybe a little, but for the right reasons. I can say this for sure... if I say no to you it's because I want to be completely there for you when I say yes. I don't want to half-ass my efforts and be resentful and act like some sort of martyr. It has become a pet peeve of mine to hear people pleasers out there who after they've agreed to something, whine about how put out they always are and how no one else cares as much as they do. I can identify with this because that is what I'm trying to avoid in myself(which is probably why it bothers me). I don't want that for myself anymore. Come on everyone and join me! Say no to at least one thing a week, consider this a challenge. The world won't end, it won't rain fire and you won't be struck by lightning because you said no. You will have more free time to learn how to not feel guilty afterwards... and when you do (it will happen) - get over it! Freedom now!

Sunday, August 16, 2009

2009-08-16T12:52:00.002-06:00

I have been away for a long time. I decided to delete everything and start anew. I don't know how I am going to change this blog other than to make it my journal. My heart is breaking. I am estranged from my oldest son. I won't go into great detail over that other than my heart is breaking. I'm not sure why they call it a broken heart when your whole body hurts. I have breaking news and that is that a daughter I gave up for adoption twenty six years ago is in contact via e-mail with me and that brings on it's own set of emotions. Happiness, sadness, shame, guilt, joy, and anticipation for the future. My youngest son and his pregnant wife will be home for a month before he leaves for Italy and then Afganistan and then again are another set of emotions, joy, fear, excitement, and dread of the future. I'm in a turmoil. I have found out who my true friends are and who were not. I have made some not so good decisions and have consquences to live with for them. I am in counseling to deal with it all and maybe one day will be able to talk about them without shame and guilt. I no longer work at Chili's. I will miss some people and others not so much. My ResHab department at my day job is growing and keeping me extremely busy. My dogs are good and is my Dad. I'm building a relationship with my sister that wasn't there before. Life is changing. I never did do well with change but I am working on it. I want to find a relationship with God but I'm not sure how. It comes so easy to some people and it has never been for me. I am teary today. Everything is just so complicated. It's a beautiful day out but I am still in my pajamas at 1:20 in the afternoon. How does one learn to start living again? My cousin is coming over later and making me leave the house. I could easily stay holed up here but she won't let me today. It is just with randomness that I am writing because nothing is making sense in my head. Wasn't it supposed to get easier as you got older. I'm half of 100 and still in turmoil. Does it ever stop?