27 years ago today.

It's been forever since I have been on here, writing or reading what others have written. Facebook and work has taken all of my attention. But here I am...compelled to write to whoever wants to read.

27 years ago, I made a decision that would affect all the years to come. Twenty seven years ago my daughter was born. I was 23 years old and single, not certain that I could raise my almost 5 year old and a new baby so I opted for adoption. Adoption to a nice family that I was aware of, I didn't know them per se, but had met them enough times to know that they would be a good choice for my daughter, which they were. They raised her with love and consideration. I have been in touch with her since May 28, 2009. How do I remember that date??? How do I not??? Twenty seven years ago today, I gave away my daughter, my self esteem, my self worth, my pride. Oh I know what I did was selfless, caring, and honorable, I know this in my mind but in my heart it has haunted me for twenty seven years. I gave away my daughter. My chance at that special bond that mothers and daughters have. My opportunity to be the one she runs to first, the one who accompanies her when she picks out wedding dresses, who gives her advice, who develops that special bond with her children. I have two sons, one older, one younger. The oldest is not happy with me, but I love him still. The youngest one loves me and as much as I love him, it's not the same. He doesn't call me when he's making his first Thanksgiving dinner and asks how to cook a turkey or when his baby is crying all night and he doesn't know what to do. That privilege is reserved for the mother of the daughter. I gave away that privilege. I didn't know then that I was strong enough to keep my daughter. I could have done it, I should have done it, if I would have done it, I would have what my daughters in law's mother's have now. I would have been first to call for a recipe, to ask for advice, or watch the grandkids. But alas, I am not and sometimes it hurts me. What hurts me most is that I gave away my daughter that could have been my best friend. I know that we shouldn't live with regrets but unless you have made a decision that affected your life to this magnitude, you will never understand the regret and the inability to make it go away. It doesn't go away, it might not seem as heavy after years, but it doesn't go away. I have to live with that and maybe, just maybe, one day I will find my self worth again. I know that I will never be her "Mom" because I gave away that privilege but if one day she called me first, I would experience the joy that a mother of a daughter experiences. She is twenty seven today. I love her the same as I do my sons. I miss her the same as I did the day I gave her away. Happy Birthday, Jennifer. I love you.